It’s not easy to show up authentically in this life, in a world that expects and often demands that we show up and behave in a certain way, to feel accepted.
It becomes even more demanding when you start to consider, that what good looks like, isn’t consistent, there are many variables to this, and what is considered ‘good’ to one person, may look like ‘bad’ to someone else.
The nation you are born, religion, politics, your education, the environment in which you were raised, and your attitudes and opinions of others are all formed very early in your life, and these things together create an ideal in your mind.
It seems there isn’t then, any standard blueprint for what that looks like, with so many variables at play, it is inevitable, that the definition of what good looks like, is purely based on what the individual chooses to see and is as diverse in nature as each human life, with its own unique DNA pattern.
Everyone is different. 8 billion different sets of eyes, viewing their outer experience based on an individual internal emotional blueprint, programmed into us, by other people’s opinions of what good is, and their personal opinions about who you should be.
Yet despite that we search for and merge into groups of likeminded people, individuals at a genetic level, yet enmeshed with the narrative with our group on a psychological level, seeking validation of our own version of the story, by others who agree with us.
Whilst it is possible for different groups to work together and agree to disagree whilst accepting the others right to have an opinion, and the right of your own, the sad part is that at its worst, disagreement, judgement, and ignorance can lead to one group ‘hating’ the other, as we have seen over thousands of years, hate only leads to suffering, war, and needless loss of innocent human life.
It is impossible then not only to be in every single group, but it is also by default then impossible to please all the people all the time, in fact it’s quite likely that most people will ‘disagree’ with you on many things, so we rule them out when it comes to seeking outside validation.
Without even realising you’re doing it, you have ruled out a huge percentage of other people and the possibility of connection with them, because you believe that’s not possible, when your clearly from another ‘group’, these people will not validate you, they will challenge you. They will make you question your narrative. How it should be.
The safest option is to simply stay in your comfort zone, surrounded by like minded people who agree, that yes, “your right” – and for a second it feels like connection, when it is in fact only, temporary validation of a subconscious mental narrative, showing up as connection, yet no more than an imposter.
We carry around with us, our own measuring stick, our own built-in barometer of what good looks like, then we adjust to try and fit in. Permanently wearing a mask, constantly scanning the horizon for danger for anything that might disrupt that sense of meaning, whilst simultaneously looking for anything else that will reinforce it.
8 billion humans, each one genetically unique, all jostling for psychological position, merging into groups, always looking to elevate themselves to a higher position within that group, to be seen and heard, to feel validated, and to have ‘connection’ – the evolutionary pull of who you are to share your existence with at least one other person, to feel loved, and to give love. But at what price?
What if there is a common ground?
What if we just don’t see it?
And what if for a minute we consider the possibility that we only separate ourselves the whole, and from one group to another due to the way we think, and that when we peel back the veil, here we all are, glued to a rock hurtling through space, in a universe with no beginning and no end?
And that in every sense, all the evidence would suggest that we are all intrinsically connected to each other, so what exactly is it, you are looking for in others?
There is something far greater happening than our conditioned minds would dare to believe.
And to experience connection TO it, we need stop seeking validation FROM it…
This requires a shift in mindset, to even begin, you must open to the idea that what you see is in many ways an illusion, and to see and experience something else, something better, to experience true connection, we must look for it in a place you have never looked before.
Brene Brown, a writer of many good books said, “we are wired for connection, it is in our DNA”. And she is right.
Since human civilisation began, we have formed groups and packs, we cherish family and life just seems better when you have someone to share it with. Support during difficult times, and shared joy during times of success and celebration. Who wouldn’t want that?
This evolutionary drive to feel connected is inherent in everyone, it’s as much part of your existence as your heartbeat. Within that framework, however, it is driven by the fear of being alone, that alone means separate, its not being seen or heard, in summary it feels like feeling unloved.
Clearly then, in order to satiate that desire, we must in the journey of our lives create harmony and union with other people, to exchange information, to provide support for one another and to feel supported during times of crisis, it is therefore very natural in fact to look for other people as the anti-dote to loneliness, there is an abundance of them, and what’s more, you can actually mould who you are in to a format that is accepted into the wider group, finally quenching that in built thirst for connection.
Being alone then is the ultimate abandonment, both in terms of our evolution and need to survive and thrive, but also on a deeply psychological it can feel like an emotional wasteland, people will do anything to escape, this fear that is ingrained into our psychological make up, is I believe the root of addiction, and sadly likely to be what drives someone to taking their own life, how lonely and disconnected must one feel to resort to that ultimate act of escapism?
So we are presented with what seems like a giant paradox, on the one hand, you are just as much part of the universe than space that the earth take up in it, meaning you are connected by default, by the laws of physics to everything and everyone on or in that wider space, at the very least on this little grain of sand named planet earth, the place where ALL of us live and take up space.
On the other hand, within our DNA there is a need to find connection with other people too, combined with this innate fear of being alone.
How can we be connected to EVERYTHING, yet feel so disconnected from EVERYONE?
Where is the glitch in the matrix?
The answer isn’t that you are disconnected from the whole, that can not be, just look up at the stars at night for that simple truth, you are clearly part of something much bigger than this place we call home.
Validation as we have discovered isn’t connection, it’s just temporary, and you must perform for it in some way, it is transactional by nature.
The connection you crave isn’t from outside, the connection you crave is the connection with yourself, because by the laws of nature, when you are connected to yourself, you are by default, connected to everything.
And you find that the one thing you have been searching for all your life, was right in front of you, it is the reflection in the mirror, and it is the inner part of who you are behind all the mental noise.
The irony of this, however, is that to meet yourself there, to unravel the illusion and to create something new, you must first spend some time working with the person who needs it, that is you, and that may involve spending time alone.
The key to overcoming addiction, depression and anxiety isn’t to look for outside solutions, it is to conquer your own fears, to reconnect or in some cases to connect to for the first time, a part of you that knows there is something more inside you, that is waiting to come out.
Alone does not have to mean lonely, and the ability to be alone, is the foundation for experiencing connection.
When you no longer feel alone, when you provide your own connection, you no longer require validation, you can stand in your truth, and the connection you desire will find you, and it will arrive with no conditions, it will accept you as you are, you will no longer need to perform or label yourself into groups, when your connection comes from the whole, through you, then you experience everyone else as part of that same whole.
It cannot be any other way.
Maybe the time has come for you to stop looking for validation outside and look for something deeper inside.
Who looks outside dreams, who look inside awakens?
Darren & Dorota